Broadway Bares Vs The Black Party

This past Sunday, I attended my first Broadway Bares. For those of you who don't know, Broadway Bares is an annual 'Broadway meets Burlesque' event, raising money for Broadway Cares / Equity Fights AIDS. This year marked it's 20th anniversary. How I have never attended is a little beyond me as it is one of the gayest events of the year. And as we know... I'm like super, super gay.

Broadway Bares is held at the Roseland Ballroom. I have only been to Roseland for one other event - the infamous Black Party. Being in the space I couldn't help but compare the two events. Broadway Bares and The Black Party are oddly like twin cousins. The Black Party being the crazy Patty Lane who loses control at the sight of a hot dog and Broadway Bares would be the elegant, more refined Cathy Lane.

I am now going to break down their similarities:

• Both are held at the Roseland Ballroom drawing in over 4,000 people.
• Both bring together the gay community for an evening of sexual fun and bawdiness.
• Both in a way force their audience to embrace sexual energy that feels defiant and gives the finger to HIV / AIDS.
• Both involve a lot of scantily clad / naked men gyrating about Roseland Ballroom.
• Both have the same weird sort of retarded old drug dealer, wandering around mumbling "Coke, K, Ecstasy".

And now... for the differences

• Broadway Bares simulates water sports ; The Black Party's water sports seem a bit more... authentic
• Broadway Bares showcases a lot of glittered flesh; The Black Party showcases a lot of leathered flesh.
• Broadway Bares is a spectator sport; The Black Party requires a lot more participation
• Broadway Bares involved a lot of wax and spray tan. The Black Party involves a lot of body hair and "natural man smell".
• Broadway Bares costs about $55; The Black Party is a cool (and rough) $125.
• Broadway Bares this year, raised over $1,000,000 for HIV / AIDS services in the community - as I watched the show I could feel my T- Cells rising; The Black Party, a commercial venture, made scads of money for itself with I'm sure an "appropriate" amount going to some chosen tax shelter.

How amazing would it be if the two events could meet somewhere in the middle? What if an evening existed that was a bit dirtier and a bit crazier than what Broadway Bares currently offers, yet more socially and sexually responsible than the Black Party? What if we could gyrate in leather while raising millions of dollars for social causes? What if we were rolling our faces off on Ecstasy while dancing along to a sexy strip tease number featuring Kristin Chenoweth and Vanessa Williams followed by a hot threesome in the play pen?

Could you imagine? Nobody would leave the Roseland Ballroom for at least a week.

Love Me,

Dan

GORDO

There is a man who washes dishes at the hotel where I am employed. I am not kidding you, he is seriously one of the most unfortunate looking people I’ve ever seen. I am not writing this in retaliation to his estimation of my physical dimensions of which you are about to read. I just need to impart to you how absolutely crazy ugly this dude is so that there is no irony lost here.

For years I’ve seen him in the back of house hallways of the hotel and done my best not to avert my gaze. I’ve nodded quick hellos on the street on the way to or from or work. I’ve tried not to throw up in the locker room where I’ve seen him scratching his stomach and washing his feet. I’ve always thought, “that is the ugliest non-deformed individual alive”. He really looks like something that might have escaped from Middle Earth.

I don’t want to get into the particulars of his unpleasant visage and unseemly shape. I’ll let you form your own image in your brain. I simply do not have the literary prowess to do justice to this man’s ugliness.

So anyway, he’s ugly. Right? Well, we’re riding the elevator together. It’s late. We’re both leaving work. We’re alone on the elevator. We exchange the obligatory exchange about a long day and how leaving work is always nice. He has a thick Mexican accent with a voice that always sounds like he’s about to spew sediment.

Aside from my usual angst about being in elevators with people I don’t know, I am now wrestling with the guilt I feel about my sentiments towards this man’s mug. I am trying to be very casual, leaning against the elevator wall. Staring down at my totally uninteresting Converse clad footsies. As I stand there, leaning against the filthy metal of the service elevator wall, he points at my slightly protruding carrot top and asks “Whass going on Papi? You no make exercise?”

And yes folks... I've just coined the phrase "carrot top". I want credit. Something good has to come of this.

Love Me,

Dan

TOTALLY NELLIE!

I love Little House on the Prairie. I always have. I always will. While I enjoyed Laura’s spunk and Mary’s lack of vision, there was one little prairie girl I always had a certain amount of extra affection for. This would be none other than Laura Ingalls’ tormentor, the prairie bitch herself, Nellie Oleson.Nellie Oleson, might be tied with Blair Warner from Facts of Life for the title of My First Gay Icon.

Nellie, primarily used as the antagonist in most episodes she appears in of Little House, was in my opinion, ultimately simply misunderstood. Here was a young girl who appreciated the finer things in life. Her dolls were from France and her dresses were from New York. She took piano lessons and spoke French. These refined qualities ultimately resulted in her being an outsider in the uncultured and uncouth community of Walnut Grove, Minnesota. Nellie was not quick to squat down in the dirt and shoot marbles or go climbing trees on the banks of Plum Creek with 'Half Pint'.

Sure Nellie was petty, judgemental and extremely manipulative but I always kind of identified with her. She was different than everybody around her. She was a passionate character with extreme emotions (that often resulted in various toys being smashed to bits) and she totally rocked a petticoat.

...and let’s not forget that her mother, Harriet Oleson was a total drag queen!

Nellie grew up as the series progressed. She married a Jew (*gasp*) and gave birth to twins, one of which would be raised Christian, the other Jewish. Nellie Oleson: Social Equality Pioneer.

...and let’s not forget those delicious blonde ringlets!

Nellie Oleson really shouldn’t steal all the credit (although she’s not above it!) Ms. Arngrim gleefully portrayed her in all of her rage and glory with a campy zealousness. Arngrim is something of a gay icon herself and a good friend to the gay community. Her Little House on screen husband, actor Steve Tracy died of AIDS in 1986. Since then Nasty Nellie Oleson, AKA Alison Arngrim has been a very vocal AIDS activist.

...so, yes, let’s not forget… Nellie married a queen!

Prairie bitch or prairie revolutionary? I’ll let you decide. I however know for a fact that if I had a choice between bailing hay with Laura and Mary and sucking on gumdrops while playing with a new phonograph with Nellie… I’d chose the latter.

..and finally, let's not forget the gayest thing of all ... her name is NELLIE!

Love Me,

Dan

Letters to the End of the World

At Hand Theatre opens another show today. The play is called Letters to the End of the World. This show is not written by me. It is not directed by me. I'm not even in it! Not even a walk on! I know, why bother right? Here is why:

1) I worked very hard at getting this play produced.

B) it might be one of the most beautiful plays I've ever read.

This funny and moving play, gracefully flashing back and forth between New York City and Zambia, introduces us to a remarkable group of innocents as they confront the AIDS crisis and question their own ability to love and connect.

The playwright and director, Anton Dudley is a sensitive, thoughtful, hilarious and very gifted artist. I have spent years courting this script and trying to work with him on making it happen. Last summer, while I was preparing my own show (maybe you heard of it, it's called MY AiDS by Dan Horrigan?), I also directed a staged reading of 'Letters'. This experience, this play... how do I say this without sounding totally ridiculous... made me a much more expansive person.

No not expensive - I'm still totally cheap - expaaaansive.

At the time I was writing all about me and my view on and experience with HIV, I was also directing this reading of a play that addressed the AIDS crisis on a much more global scale. More importantly, the play uses AIDS as backdrop or even a metaphor for both the pain and beauty in this world that asks us all to share in the same collective human experience.

Working on Letters to the End of the World made me feel small and curious. It also made me certain that I am an awesome part of a much larger experience. I am part of an experience that's bigger than me. It's bigger than America. It's bigger than Africa (and that's pretty damn big!) The play inspired me to be a better artist... and a better person.

While I hope to have already sold you on this show, below you'll find a more literal description of the play as well as a link for tickets. Hope to see you there!

Love Me,

Dan

AT HAND THEATRE COMPANY PRESENTS:

LETTERS TO THE END OF THE WORLD

Written by Anton Dudley

April 29th - May 16th, 2010

Thursdays-Saturdays at 8pm, Sundays at 7pm

at Theatre Row's Studio Theatre

410 W. 42nd St. (btwn 9th/10th Aves)

A revealing article about the African AIDS crisis, buried deep in the pages of a fashion magazine, leads a young gay man in New York City to form an unexpected correspondence with a woman in Zambia. The friendship takes him halfway around the world to discover that Africa is much closer to his heart than he thinks.

Written and directed by Anton Dudley, the production stars Shannon Burkett (Dead City), Francesca Choy-Kee, Tyrone Mitchell Henderson (The America Play, The Tempest with Patrick Stewart), Peter O'Connor, andCharles Socarides (2006 Tony-winning Awake & Sing!), with set by Eli Kaplan-Wildmann, lights by Ryan Bauerand costumes by Nicole Wee. Donald Butchko serves as the Production Stage Manager.

Tickets are $18 - available HERE or by calling 212-247-4200.

Equity Approved Showcase.

Bold Betty

Last Week Wednesday, Ugly Betty aired it's final episode. I am pleased it's over as I think all TV should have a four season limit (tops!) but I am of course sad to see it go. While it had it's ups and downs this season proved to be a landmark season particularly in terms of queer visibility.

I am sure Betty herself deserves all kinds of coverage and speculation as the show was about her but all I really cared about this final season was little Justin Suarez. I thought the development of this character's coming out was groundbreaking.

It was not groundbreaking in and of itself that Justin came out.

It was not groundbreaking that Justin was a teen coming out.

It was not groundbreaking that he was a teen coming out and kissing his new boyfriend on national television.

It was groundbreaking because Justin Suarez was effeminate. He was sprightly. He was bitchy, catty, sweet, stylish, sometimes foppish. There was often very little difference between his character and Haley on Modern Family! He was a ladyboy coming out, kissing and experiencing first love. I couldn't have been more proud of both Justin and his portrayer Mark Indelicato. But mostly I was proud of UB producer and writer Silvio Horta.

Horta had the balls to bring us gay characters that were not "straight acting" or "butch" and he made us fall in love with them, identify with them and root for them. Horta managed to create a show where the not altogether masculine character could be over the top, queeny, sexual and still deserving of romance and love. How refreshing to see a little queen not only have hormones but also same said queen gets to act on those hormones! Ugly Betty broke the boundaries of what was 'palatable' (a most distasteful word) with nary a bit of self consciousness. It strut about in it's various time slots over the years, just like it's gay characters - being whoever the fuck it wanted to be.

When sweet little Justin had his first technicolor kiss, I thought, 'Jesus had this happened on Wednesday night at 9:00 when I was in highschool, my whole life woulda been a little different.' Every day that a gay marriage ban is enforced is another day that our government, our nation tells young gay people that they are not worthy of love. I am in awe of the Ugly Betty folks for telling them otherwise... and for letting them know you can be full of sass to boot.

Love Me,

Dan

BROADWAY RECYCLED...

So my theatre company is doing this little show. I mean it's no big deal. It's a fundraiser.

Ugh!

You know how those things go. Dullsville. It's gonna be some people singing at some dive called Joe's Pub

on Sun April 18th. It helps to raise money for my company (I know we're so annoying) and proceeds go to the Broadway Green Alliance. I guess they're some organization that helps make Broadway more eco - conscious? Lame. Right?

So now comes the part where I tell you about the people involved. For your sake and mine, I'll keep this brief. They tell me that some guy Mario Can-whatever will be in it. He's some actor / comic guy. I guess he was in that show Sex and the something? I dunno. He's supposed to sing and be funny and stuff. Whatever.

Also there's this dude Anthony Rapp. He's gonna perform too. He was in that musicale. What was it called? He wore a scarf and held a camcorder and hung out with people with AIDS and shit. And he was in Adventures Baybsitting.

There's also the whole cast from that other show. What was it called? We Don't Have a Title? The No-Name Show? But anyway they'll all be there. Jeff and Hunter and these two chicks that hang out with them. Woo- hoo!

OK. I'm almost done! The evening will feature music that was cut from musicals. Some of the songs are by people like that country singer with the big boobs...

...and that old guy that writes songs. What's his name? Stephen Soderbergh?

So anyway, you probably shouldn't come.

You should definitely not BUY YOUR TICKETS BY CLICKING HERE!!!

And you should definitely not be super lame and buy the $100 ticket that gets you front table seating and a bunch of free shit.

Or you can just be kinda lame and buy the $30 tix.

I'll be there... only because I have to. You comin'?

Love Me,

Dan

The Lord of the Land

LANDLORD. What a weird and archaic word. Have you ever thought of the breakdown of this word? Land - lord. The term is completely medieval. Maybe I would have a more positive view on the title if every landlord I've had hasn't been kind of a total loser in his own special way. I unfortunately have had to play modern day serf to a number of cigarette dangling, fast talking, poorly clothed and entirely inept lords of the land for many many years now.

My first New York landlord was taken off guard the day we pulled up with a U-Haul ready to start moving in. The Landlord (who was occupying the apartment) had somehow forgotten to move out and do any cleaning at all. As my roommates and I stood on the front porch crying in the pouring rain, the landlord and his brother began to pretty much throw their belongings and spare furniture down the stairs. They hurriedly and spastically raced about hurling chairs, blankets, pillows and tchotchkes down to the first floor hallway. They "cleaned" the apartment for us by filling up buckets of soapy water and dumping them all over the floor. In between the hurling and dumping they kept shouting down the stairs " Almost ready guys!" and "we'll have this place clean in about 10 minutes!"

Awesome.

But still, better than my previous (Buffalo) landlord who thought the best way to deal with the rotting, wooden, front porch was to place a soon to rot piece of plywood over the ever widening hole. I had several unfortunate (read intoxicated) run ins with said hole. This landlord took a similar approach to the moldy bathroom ceiling as well. I was very sober the morning that came crashing down on me mid shower.

I should be thankful for my current landlord. While lazy and whiny, his appearance is ultimately the most offensive thing about him. He's a little bit Barney the drunk from the Simpsons and a lot Hoggle from the Princess Bride. I initially thought he wore the worst toupee ever slapped on a scalp but I have come to realize that it is in fact his very own hardened, crusty hair that has been permanently yellowed by the cigarette that inevitably dangles from his lower lip... even when he's in my apartment!

He lives across the hall and for the most part responds to maintenance issues when I bring them up. Still, though, he is always looking for a way around the issue or more likely, having to pay to correct the issue. Sometimes this results in the most ludicrous line of questioning.

My landlord on a faulty stove pilot: "Well did you try to re - light it?"

On a mysterious puddle of water in my bedroom: "Well did you maybe spill a pot of water?"

On a wobbly toilet: "Well were you standing on the toilet?"

Yes I was standing on the toilet. I was jumping up and down on the toilet. I was DANCING ON THE GODDAMNED TOILET! Because that's what I do when I'm unwinding from a stressful day. I come home, put on some music and make like Michael Flatley on the porcelain throne!

Ugh!

Until I can get it together to buy my own little place and start struggling with 'Plumbing for Dummies' (or more likely pay a professional) this is what I am left to deal with. But you'll have to excuse me for now, I have a jar of mildew that I have to rub all over my window panes.